Issue 14: Who Am I?

I get it. I really do. Sharing your music is an intimate thing to do. “Here, this is what I like. Do you like it?” That said, only one other person contributed to the collaborative playlist last week. I think Paul McCartney said it best, “Contributing to Seth’s playlist will be good for everyone involved.” RIP Paul McCartney (Not dead yet, but when he does go, I hope he rests in peace). 

As the quote at the beginning of this issue states, I am not mad. Originally, I was mad. You see, I thought the collaborative playlist would be a hit. I thought you all would enjoy the idea. It’s alright that you didn’t, it just hurt my pride to be wrong. Maybe it wasn’t even true you didn’t like the idea, but rather didn’t have the time to add to the playlist. Who am I to assume? Who am I to be upset when you don’t do my silly little ideas. Who am I? 

It really is a simple question, yet it doesn’t have a simple answer. I am a lot of things and I am one thing. That said, I am not just a thing lying around somewhere like a washer or a dryer or a refrigerator. I am much more than that. I am a living, breathing, thing that can wash with a washer, dry with a dryer, and fridge with a refrigerator (why does “fridge” have a “d” in it but “refrigerator” doesn’t?)

I am an asker of questions. 

I am a writer of those questions.

I am a man.

I am also a former baby and a future skeleton, and a distant future pile of dust. 

I am someone who used to pee in a diaper (see previous fact about being a baby) and I am someone who will once again pee in a diaper someday (before becoming a skeleton). 

I am honest. I am no Boy Scout though. I am someone who went to a Boy Scout informational meeting once. I am the son of a man who said, “We can camp for free, you don’t need to be in Boy Scouts.” I am a Girl Scout cookie connoisseur. 

I am a deep thinker, ponderer, and wearer of short sleeve button down shirts. I am all of those things at once right now. I am all of those things except the button down shirts when I am in the pool because that would be uncomfortable. 

I am “boss” to a guy named Bryce. I am “pal” preceded by “hey” and followed by “you can’t park there” to a guy who doesn’t like that I park in the lot by his office sometimes before work. I am “roommate” to my wife Niki. I am “not funny” when I call her roommate. I am, more importantly, “husband”. I am “banned” to local Dave and Busters workers. I am sometimes “Ulysses” when restaurants ask for a name for the order. I am “Seth” to most. I am “Zach” or “Beth” or “Jeff” to people who can’t hear me on the phone very well. I am also “Jeff” when I impersonate my boss when he leaves his work computer unlocked and his email open. 

I am what I eat when I bite my nails. 

I am the answer to the question you have been asking. Especially if the question is, “who farted in this elevator?” 

I am friend. I am foe. Am I fo’ real though? 

I am sorry about that.

I am a bike because I am too tired. I am wondering if you got that joke. 

I am someone who takes himself to the people park. I am someone who takes his dog to the dog park. I am not that guy who brings a full Jimmy Johns sub to the dog park, sits on a bench, and then gets mad when someone’s dog jumps on him. I am annoyed at that guy.

I am someone who uses his blinker when driving. I am someone who is going to change lanes when my blinker is on whether you create space for me or not. I am a bad driver. 

I am strong. I am mighty. I am powerful. I am googling synonyms for “strong”. 

I am able to fly. I am able to breathe underwater. I am only those things when dreaming. 

I am called “you” but I am not more “you” than you. I am me. I am definitely more “me” than you are me or could ever be. I am running out of ideas.
I am neither here nor there, but rather a little to the right. 

I am the one waving at you. 

I am waiting on you to look up and see me. 

I am not mad. I am disappointed. I am listening to the playlist from last week right now.
I am done writing this. 

Local News:

Nothing happened in soccer or ping pong. I definitely didn’t lose at both this week. Don’t ask about it. 

National News:

The NFL Draft is Thursday. Kids younger than most of us will become millionaires overnight. As you sit at your desk today, think about that. If you were faster and more athletic, you too could pay cash for a house in 2023. Dang. 

Selfishly, I would love to see the Philadelphia Eagles (my favorite team) draft Bijan Robinson. It would be so fun to watch him in this offense. I highly doubt we do though. Christian Gonzalez or Paris Johnson are also high on my wish list if the Eagles use their 10th overall pick. 

World News:

We officially have readers in the following countries from the website:

Russia

Netherlands

Canada

Sweden

Great Britain

Poland

China

Belgium

India

Czech Republic

Germany

Greece

Latvia

France

South Korea

Chile

Switzerland

Israel

Seychelles

Romania

Taiwan

Portugal

Indonesia

To my international readers, What’s up? Good to have you here. Please send a cool souvenir from your country to our office!