“And there’s the insult we were missing.”
We don’t often get political on the Daily Dispatch.
I have written about my faith, I have written about sports, I have written the subjective as objective like it was my daggum job. But I’ve avoided the divisive topic of politics. I’m usually one for unity. Not that we all have to agree about everything, but as long as we are working towards a common goal I’m usually happy.
I unified people across our nation a couple weeks ago.
Yes. You read that correctly. It is only a slight exaggeration too. While most media is trying to turn people against one another, we here at the Daily Dispatch find the common ground. While others define themselves by their uniquenesses, we will spend today celebrating the cord that binds us all together.
It started where all great discoveries start, with a conversation. Have you ever had a conversation? While conversing with my team at work, my boss referenced the scene in The Office where Michael Scott whips his car into the parking lot bumping some Lady GaGa and says, “It’s Brittany bitch.” My boss loves The Office. Classic boss, am I right? The expletive quote wasn’t what led to the unifying conversation, believe it or not. It wasn’t the greater Office universe nor the GaGa playing from the car. The unifier was the car itself. During conversation, we discussed that Michael, in this scene, was driving a convertible PT Cruiser. That discovery unlocked a memory. I used to tell people, to get a reaction, that I could see them driving a PT Cruiser. They would always respond with an agitated version of, “What is that supposed to mean?”
As we laughed about that, someone on our team suggested, “What if there was a personality quiz like ‘What Car Are You?’ where the only answer you can get is PT Cruiser?” It was genius. I immediately made the quiz. 8 questions. 6 possible responses each. Innocent enough. People lost their minds.
The questions were as followed:
Now matter what you chose, you received the same result:
People were mentally and emotionally shaken:
I learned a valuable lesson, we are a fragile society. What I couldn’t figure out, and may never will, is why the PT Cruiser elicited such strong emotions. It’s a fact I’ve known implicitly for years as it was my go-to “I could see you driving…” to upset people, but I don’t know why. I tried to solve it, and in turn, know more about PT Cruisers than anyone other than Paul Nesbitt.
The PT Cruiser was only produced from 2001 to 2010 but boy did it try its best and leave an impression. Originally designed by Paul Nesbitt, who also designed the Chevrolet HHR of course, it was meant to evoke the retro vibes of the 1930s. I think my favorite fun fact I discovered was that the PT Cruiser is classified as a truck by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA as we all know it by). Next time someone says, “I’ve gotta move my truck,” or something along those lines, I’m immediately going to hit them with a, “PT Cruiser?” I’ll report back how it goes.
The “PT” in “PT Cruiser” stands for “Personal Transport”. Just thought you might want to know that. I’m not going to copy and paste the entire Wikipedia page for the cruiser, but my favorite quote in the whole thing was when they wrote about the updates made to the design in 2006 and wrote the following: “The changes reduced the “retro vibe” that did not satisfy some customers and ” exposed the main pitfall of retro design: How do you update old?””
I do think you should know about a few of the “special edition” PT Cruisers that are offered in case you’re in the market. There is a PT GT as I like to call it which is a super charged variant topping out at a whopping 125 mph max speed and includes something called “oil squirters”. You can also get the Woodie edition with faux wood paneling. To try and entice our friends across the pond, the genius over in the Personal Transport design team came up with a “Couture” edition. Not great tbh.
All that said, if I ever find myself searching for a PT Cruiser, first of all, check me into an institution, but second of all, I will be searching for the White Whale of Cruisers; the Wedding Bells edition.
This article wasn’t really meant to be a PT Cruiser history lesson, but I just find it so fascinating. If I said you were a Mini Cooper, you might reference the movie Italian Job and try to spin it as cool. If I called you an AMC Pacer, at least you would know I was making a joke or trying to insult you. If I called you a Nissan Maxima you might not have any sort of reaction. It appears to me the PT Cruiser falls in the sweet spot of lame, insulting, but not so bad that it’s obvious. It’s a little unicorn of humor.
Always remember, life is a highway. Enjoy the cruise.
Editor’s Note:
It’s now Friday morning and I’m rereading this issue to make sure it all looks right. First of all, this is an issue that could completely fall flat. I realize that. However, it is one that is reminiscent of the early days of Daily Dispatch where we just took an idea and ran. Less moral philosophy and more ridiculousness. Anyways, the real editor’s note is the fact that the NHTSA calls a PT Cruiser a truck. Imagine people doing all the things to a Cruiser that they do to trucks. I just started cracking up imagining a PT Cruiser with a lift kit and light bar and offroad tires. That mental imagery got me and I had to share.
Ok, bye.
