Issue 12: One In a Million (in a world of 8 billion)

Stop it. I know. There wasn’t a Daily Dispatch last week. My apologies to all, and to all, my apologies. I’ve created an addiction to these words and then withheld the dopamine hit you’ve come to expect. But… 

WE’RE BACK BABY!!! WELCOME TO ISSUE 12!!!!!!

I was recently told, “I only read the issues I have time to read on the toilet. If they are too long, I read until I’m done using the bathroom and stop.” 

This week should be able to be read in one shitting sitting. 

As a regionally famous newsletter writer, I meet a lot of people. Don’t believe me? I met someone on Monday. Boom. Proof. Anyways, I’m often discouraged when I meet someone, immediately expect them to be a certain way, and am correct. I realize the previous sentence might be confusing or can easily veer into profiling and stereotyping, but stick with me here.

It seems a lot of people pick out a personality kit and click “Apply all”. For example, when the show New Girl was popular, I met so many girls who were Jess for like a year. There is a reason there are so many jokes about finance bros or guys who are “grind mentality” type dudes on LinkedIn. If you’ve met one, you’ve met them all. So many times I’ll meet a guy or a girl and think, “I’ve met you before, but in someone else’s body.” Not in like a reincarnation type of way, but in a selected the same personality type of way. 

I like people who are themselves. I like people who are one of a kind and unique. Unique doesn’t necessarily mean you have different interests than anyone else as led to the hipster movement of the 2010’s where thousands of people had the same “weird” and “unique” interests. I just mean I like people who are genuinely themselves and can’t be described in one sentence. 

If you aren’t sure if you are unique, if you’ve fallen into the trap of outsourcing your personality to tv characters or making your interests your identity, you can select one of the Daily Dispatch certified unique personalities below! Guaranteed to make you one of a kind or your money back.

But first, a word from our sponsor. 

Well, our new advertisements and business relations intern is getting fired because this week’s sponsor is a competing newsletter. Apparently, this week’s issue is brought to you by “Information Inquiry – Your News Today” written by Cole Winton. This weekly newsletter hits inboxes on Mondays and highlights recent events as well as the author’s thoughts on them. A mix of humor and wit, the Information Inquiry is the perfect way to start your week. Please enjoy this excerpt from the Information Inquiry, “…However, in contrast to my above story about glasses, I often have a hard time actually acknowledging or celebrating the good things that happen to me or the things that would be considered wins. For example, when I got my job in New York, I remember my soon to be wife, Rylie, saying, “We should celebrate!” For some reason though, I was scared of all my potential future failures attached to this win. What if the job was a scam when I got here? What if I got fired after six months? What if I couldn’t find an apartment in time and had to reject the offer? The list goes on, but I think you get the point. 

In his book Goodbye, again, Jonny Sun says this about celebrating: “If I do, that means it’s happening, and if it’s happening that means I can severely screw it up, and if I severely screw it up that means it will not be happening anymore, and if it is not happening anymore that means that everyone will know that I severely screwed it up, and this all causes me to get so anxious that I feel more likely and more able to screw the thing up than I did before, and so I’ve found that in general it’s just easier to just ignore it and just try to get through it without imagining and then willing into existence all the ways I can go about messing it up.”…” 

Subscribe to the Information Inquiry here: SUBSCRIBE

Back to our superior newsletter.  (If you need college credit, I am now looking for a new advertisements and business relations intern.) As previously mentioned, please see below for the Daily Dispatch certified unique personalities you can choose from: 

Personality 1: 

-Somewhat shy but really open up when people get to know you

-Claim to like a specific dog breed, but never go to the local parade of that dog breed

-Have a glow up in college, but refuse to accept the fact you’re good looking now

-Enjoy the comedy of King of the Hill 

-Know too much about airplanes

-Know too little about how to not tear gas your roommates 

-loyalty

-Use catch phrase, “Fault ‘em if you’ve got ‘em” 

Personality 2:

-Anxious and paranoid

-Often obsess over trivial details and blow them out of proportion

-Glass-half-empty

-Socially awkward and struggle with reading social cues.

-Self-centered and focus on your own needs and desires.

-Have a Machiavellian streak and be willing to use any means necessary to achieve their goals.

-Have an insanely thick wallet that throws off your equilibrium 

-Have a fiance that dies due to your negligence 

Personality 3:

-Exude confidence, stand out in a crowd with striking appearance and demeanor

-Be self-sufficient and able to take care of yourself. To embody this aspect of your personality, one would need to be independent and capable of handling things on their own

-Be mysterious and alluring, draw people in with your presence

-Known for your distinctive black dress and overall sense of style

-Stand out from the crowd with individuality and refusal to conform to societal norms

If you select one of these 3 personalities, and make it your own, you too can be original and one of a kind! 

Announcing our first ever Daily Dispatch Weekly Competition: If you can name the 3 people/characters the 3 personalities are based on, you win a free year of Daily Dispatch VIP membership! 

You are reading the Daily Dispatch: A Weekly Newsletter. You probably know that. It has been brought to my attention that there isn’t much news included for a newsletter. Please see below for some local Chattanooga news. 

Chattanooga has become a hub for soccer. From CFC to the Red Wolves, allegiances are divided. Hidden in the 3rd division of the Chattanooga Football League is a team by the name of Cho’s Bros. ESPN is currently filming a 30 for 30 on them, but I will outline their story now. In an effort to be honest with my readers, I will confess this is a paid partnership with ESPN to increase awareness and generate excitement ahead of the 30 for 30 release. 

What is the beginning of Cho’s Bros? Is it when ace midfielder Javi and golden glove winning keeper Seth helped create the division 3 team Net Six and Chill? Is it when, after winning the championship, the team disbanded and was recreated with a new group of friends under the name “Silly Heads” adding current Cho’s Bros members lockdown defender Andrew and bazooka leg right wing Conner? Is it when half of the Silly Heads team staged a coup forcing the remaining members to scramble to put a team together eventually leading to the addition of Cho who is the namesake of the team? Regardless of the origin, one thing is certain: the team is on a consistent upwards trajectory. 

When Cho’s Bros began, they self relegated to the newly created division 4. After going undefeated and winning the championship last season, Cho’s Bros has been promoted back to division 3. Game 1 saw Cho’s Bros without their star player and namesake David “Cho” Gonzalez. Despite moving up a division and missing their best player, the Bros managed to end in a tie with a score of 2-2. Feeling confident, they strode into week 2 with a chip on their shoulder. Keeper Seth had his worst performance in nearly a year allowing 5 goals against. The team lost 5-4. It was a reality check. Tuesday, Cho’s Bros were back to form and defeated their opponent 4-1. Now holding a record of 1-1-1, the Bros are 3rd in the league and looking to make the playoffs in their first season in division 3. Stay tuned as Cho’s Bros show March Madness isn’t the only place for Cinderella stories.