Issue 50: Know Thyself

They finally found me. 

I’m not going to try to be clever and write a few sentences that attempt to lead you down one road such as implying I’m talking about the cops or something only to reveal the true “they” at the end. This is too serious for that type of antic. They finally found me and by “they” I mean the TikTok algorithm that pumps road rage and bad driver videos into my feed. This is a crisis. I eat that up like it’s a freshly opened box of Cheez-Its (not a sponsor). Inject those videos straight into my veins. The second hand righteous indignation I feel is unhealthy. Fortunately, awareness is half the battle. I am aware that my love of hate regarding driving habits is unhealthy and unsafe behind the wheel. I also understand, as we all do, that life is a highway. I cannot encourage myself towards road rage on the highway of life. 

This is issue 50. We have really been on quite the journey together haven’t we dear reader? As I know you all do often, I went back and reread all 49 previous issues on dailydispatchweekly.com and realized a couple of things. First of all, I used to be funnier. Read this intro from Issue 3, “Am I a genius? Probably not. I once got a C on my report card in 6th grade. I once tried to street luge into traffic. I once locked my keys in the trunk of my car. To my defense, I was able to break into my car with a flathead screwdriver, a folded up Chick-fil-A nuggets box, a hanger, and some tape. If anything, I’m a more handsome MacGyver. But not a genius. Maybe genius is in the eye of the beholder. Like, if you beholding a degree from Harvard or Yale.” Genius. The other thing I noticed is the first time we transitioned from pure silliness into some sort of introspection and blog style. That was Issue 8: Your Life as an Excel Spreadsheet. We really stepped into it in Issue 10: How to Fall in Love. Sure we’ve continued silliness, but this has become more and more introspective as time goes on. 

I like to think I’m relatively self aware. I spend a lot of time checking myself to avoid the proverbial wrecking myself. Brief moment of sincerity alert: I’ve been strongly considering going to therapy simply to have an outside perspective. I don’t think therapy always needs to be a fix to an issue but can also be a tool to understand yourself and how you process the world. But therapy is expensive and I haven’t taken the time to see if our insurance covers it so instead we are going to do the online version. I’m not talking about BetterHelp. They are no longer a sponsor. I’m talking about online personality quizzes baby! In the wise words of Greek philosopher and scholar Aeropostale, “Know yourself”. 

Let’s start with the most popular test for people my age. The enneagram test was all the rage in like 2016. According to the enneagram, I’m a 3. According to Niki, I’m a 10 (unless I’m doing that thing where I push my stomach out to look like I’m pregnant. Then I’m a 9 at best). Only one of those matters. From all my research, 3 is the best type. It is the winner and the other types and authors of enneagram summaries want to make us feel bad about being better than others. Listen to this bs (pardon my French), “Threes become extremely jealous and view every interaction in terms of a competition and may be prone to one-upping others. They seek approval and reassurance from others. When this is not fulfilled, they begin to despair and shut down. Many Achievers report feeling like a “hollow shell” after years of curating an image of who they’d like to be. At their worst, they backstab ruthlessly and destroy others’ reputations solely for their own benefit.” Sounds like someone who is jealous and wants to be a 3. Total 8 behavior. Enneagram is dumb anyways. Let’s go to the tried and true Meyers-Briggs.

Ah the classic. I’m ENTP-A aka The Debater. According to the website 16personalities, “Debaters are curious and flexible thinkers who cannot resist an intellectual challenge. They tend to be bold and creative, deconstructing and rebuilding ideas with great mental agility.” Now we’re talking! It also told me I was 93% extroverted. Was really hoping to score a 100% but it’s still an A. I think that is what the -A is at the end. Like a grade or something. Tangentially related but I found this gem on the website and I know my boss reads, so Matt, please enjoy this very scientific excerpt, “ENTP managers are open-minded and flexible, not just granting but also expecting the same freedom of thought that they themselves enjoy. This can lead to disorder and conflicting ideas and approaches being put forward, but ENTP personalities are also great at accurately and objectively assessing which plan is likely to be most effective.” Might be worth remembering down the line but idk… You know what, this stuff is too heady and isn’t tangible. What good is knowing thyself if you don’t care. If you can’t put it into action, why know it? Let’s get to the good stuff. 

I went to the most academic and scholarly website I could find: allthetests.com. Boy was I blown away. It’s the best website on the internet. I took a test to see what my hobbies should be, took the LSAT, and (not that I was worried about it) took a test to check my cholesterol. I got mixed results on all of the above. As interesting as I am to you all, I must confess, I’m in a bit of a hobby lull. I asked allthetests.com what I should do. My number 1 answer was, “Embrace Your Inner Artist with Watercolor Painting!” I don’t understand how I got this result at all. Other suggestions it gave me were, “Brace yourself (pun intended) for some seriously awesome crafting adventures that will make your friends go wild with joy!” regarding making friendship bracelets. I also got 10% chance of enjoying quilting. I retook the test because, come on, and my new number one was, “Brace yourself for the world of ceramics, polymer clay sculpture, and even the wonders of Silly Putty projects!” In what worlds?!? I can’t prove it, but I think Michaels or Hobby Lobby sponsor this test. There is no way I will be doing these. Editor’s note: Seth has dabbled in watercolor and is hosting a small gallery (a bunch of watercolor paintings of Nick Foles catching the Philly Special in Super Bowl LII hung up with clothing pins) in his shed this Friday night at 6:30. Appetizers will be provided. 

I feel like we are 0-3 with tests so far. It’s time to stop screwing around. What is the holy grail of personality quizzes? Buzzfeed. While scrolling through their many options, I found a quiz titled “Which Baseball Snack Am I?”. I am often being called a snack and never knew what it meant so it was time to find out. After taking the quiz, I got this result:

I was suggested a quiz asking if I should get married. As a happily married man, I wanted to make sure I was still totally marriage material. Good news!

I then took a quiz titled “If You’ve Listened To Over 17/26 Of These Songs, You’re *SO* 2014” For the sake of journalistic integrity, I must admit, I am *SO* 2014. 

You guys wanna see something cool? Buzzfeed reached out to us a while ago asking to collaborate on a project. That was the whole reason for this project. I wanted to introduce the idea of knowing yourself well which naturally leads to Buzzfeed. I’m so excited. They wanted to make a quiz specifically for fans of the Daily Dispatch! Please see below to find out which Daily Dispatch issue you are!

https://www.buzzfeed.com/todaysdailydispatch/which-daily-dispatch-issue-am-i-bkhjpnrat4

In the wise words of Play-Doh, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”