"Dude I got some banana bread at work today dude? hell yeah. my mom told me if I wait for things, like, good things will happen to me dude and I waited for some things and I got some banana bread at work today dude? hell yeah."
Longtime readers will know that one of my biggest pet peeves is when cars back into parking spaces in parking lots or parking garages. It is unnecessary and selfish and you are more than welcome to argue with me but you are wrong. The arrogance of these people! They just assume the entire flow of traffic will come to a screeching halt to watch them nudge back-and-forth like they’re defusing a bomb. And we’re all sitting there going, “Well… guess this guy’s doing his little parking dance. Great.” I will accept slight exceptions for large trucks. That is fine. But everyone else, ESPECIALLY SEDANS, are without excuse. This is not an exaggeration for effect or a silly performance for comedy. I legitimately get so angry.
HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!?
Clearly not. I see it every day in the parking garage at work. I get mad every single time.
People will say, “It is easier to get out.” No. No, it’s not. You know what’s easier? Pulling in. I’ve seen it a thousand times and you all suck at backing in. I’m not talking about pulling all the way through if the spot in front of you is empty. That is a good move.
This whole intro is because it happened today (Tuesday) and I found myself yelling alone, like a lunatic, because someone thought their Nissan Altima deserved a tactical exit plan. I got angry. I don’t want to get angry! I don’t want this to be who I am. I have a beautiful daughter. Thanksgiving is coming up. The sun is shining. I’m living a life that should not include homicidal thoughts about a Toyota backing into a spot at a quarter mile per hour. The obvious next thought was, “I should write about all that I’m thankful for. It is Thanksgiving afterall.” But then I thought, “Sure, add being unoriginal to the mix. Reward the people who waited so long for the Daily Dispatch to return with a ‘bland as poorly done turkey’ level issue.” I will not do that to you. I do need to balance this negativity with positivity though, so this week you are getting a LONG list of things that are good. As Niki would say, “things that slap.” As I would say, “things that rule.”
Because if I don’t, one more reverse-park Altima, and I’m ending up on the news.
You Know What Rules?:
Throwing big rocks into bodies of water
Pimento cheese
Queso
Saxophone solos
Listening to the Doobie Brothers on a boat
Riling the dog up after someone says, “don’t rile the dog up”
Steve Irwin
Throwing something into the trash can from a distance
The sound of a fire crackling
Sticks that resemble weapons
The smile on your kid’s face when you get home from work
Banana bread at work dude
$1.50 Costco hotdog combo
Mike Rowe
Nailing an air drum solo
When your grandparent tells you something about themselves or their childhood you didn’t know
Football on Thanksgiving
The first time your girl falls asleep on your shoulder
When someone calls you “boss” and you’re not their boss
A free pen that is actually good
Getting complimented on a new shirt the first time you wear it
A rock that skips far
Listening to the Doobie Brothers in your garage/shed
Yelling at minor league umpires on a weeknight
Tayvon Austin highlight video
John Wall mixtape
Listening to Genesis on a night drive with the windows down
When you take the sheets out of the dryer and get into bed while they are still a little warm
Cutting wrapping paper and the scissors do the little slide thing
High fiving a stranger at a football game when your team scores a touchdown
Those little pepperonis that curl up on pizza
Someone saving you a seat
Giving someone a gift that they absolutely love
Hitting shuffle on a playlist and your favorite song comes on first
Getting really into a good book
When you’ve hung out with your friend all day in middle school and both parents agree y’all can have a sleepover
When you pet a dog and it sits next to you
Getting picked to be all time QB at recess
Road trip snacks
Moms
Fly over at a football game
The smell of a hardware store
Listening to the Doobie Brothers at work
Taking that plastic coating off a new electronic device
Not braking because you know the light is about to turn green
Getting the wave after letting someone merge
Making burgers on the grill
The smell of rain on hot pavement
When the AC kicks in on a really hot summer day
Catching something that falls off the counter before it hits the ground
Walking into gym class and seeing the giant colorful parachute on the floor
The smell of old books in a library
Pressure washing
Good macaroni and cheese
Monarchs (technically)
Pulling up to an empty drivethru
When your friend has an extra ticket to a sporting event or concert and invites you
Peeing out a fire
Jameis Winston
YouTube to mp3 converter websites
Streameast
The first weekend of March Madness
“Now watch this drive”
Verne Lundquist
A good player being traded to your favorite team
The movie Tombstone
Snow days as a kid
Winning an arm wrestle
The dish that only you know how to make perfectly
Seeing a good movie in theaters
When your friend gets a date with the person they’ve been crushing on
Being the last person on your dodgeball team, outnumbered, and coming back to win
Dr. Pepper
Good documentaries
Legos
Wikipedia
Nailing a round number when you pump gas ($30 exactly)
Crisp lines when you mow or vacuum
Beating the GPS’ ETA on a roadtrip (especially if you took an alternate route it didn’t suggest)
Bringing something to the potluck that everyone loves and asks “who brought this?”
When your dad treats you like an adult/peer for the first time
Being a dad
Blasting music in your car and definitely nailing the high note alongside the artist
When your wife makes fun of you about something funny
Filling up a rewards punch card and cashing it in for a free meal
Carrying everything in on one trip
Getting double bounced on a trampoline
Riding in the bed of a truck while it’s moving
New shoes
Having a guy for something (I have a HVAC guy)
Saying something before the commentator says it while watching sports
Hitting a long putt
College Gameday
Having a reservation at a very busy restaurant
Doing mental math, someone checks you on a calculator, and you’re right
New episodes of your favorite show
Leaving somewhere with a group and beating them to the next location (it wasn’t a race but it was)
Hearing the dirt your vacuum sucks up
Lime wedge in a beer
Catching a fish
Crushing a round of trivia
Peeing during a road trip when you’ve been holding it for a while
Having a meeting cancelled
When someone in front of you gets out of line anywhere
Buying something you didn’t know was on sale
Blowing your nose when congested and being able to breathe again
Waking up a minute before your alarm goes off
Nick Foles
The first palm tree you see on the way to the beach
When a vending machine accidentally gives you two things
The smell of new tennis balls
Breakfast for dinner
The Beast Quake run
Super Smash Bros
Reality TV (trust me, just let yourself enjoy it)
Bloomin Onion from Outback
Couch naps
When people do magic tricks for monkeys at the zoo and they’re impressed
The Krispy Kreme light being on
Monday, someone will reverse toward a spot. I will feel rage bubbling up. Right before I lose it, I’m hoping this list taps me on the shoulder and says, “Hey man… remember Jameis Winston?” I’ll let it go. Baby steps. They rule.
